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inkribbon_twdI couldn't edit this chapter the weekend like I had thought so I'm posting it now. Sorry for the lateness. I'll try to update this next chapter though this weekend because I already finished another one, so I can :)
This will be on public view again for the new Rick series, but it's the last time :) That's enough promotion for me. To read further the story, don't forget to leave reviews :) Thanks!
The ending of this chapter is changed a lot from the older version and I'm very happy with it :) The title is also from a quote I totally took from another book. I' credit it below.
Enjoy.
Without looking back, Maggie ran into the woods as fast as she could. She was holding Glenn’s right hand as they ran away from a herd that had cornered them in the cabin where they had taken refuge for the night. She had passed the night in Glenn’s arms crying the whole night, her body shaking and collapsing with her sobs. Maggie hadn’t felt like this since they lost the farm, since they lost their home, but they had been together at least.
They were all dispersed in the woods like dust specs in the wind. She had lost her home, she had lost her people. She had watched her father get brutally killed in front of her eyes helplessly. The only thing left to her was her husband and his sheltering arms. She had even lost her sister. She had told herself the whole night she wasn’t dead. It felt like a part of her was taken from her, like something missing from her. She was going to find her sister. She was going to her people.
Amanda. Rick. Daryl. The others. All of them. They were going to find them and be whole again.
But first, they needed to stay alive.
She was crying as she ran. Glenn tipped his head towards a tree and they started to climb it. They hadn’t talked much since they left the cabin this morning. They had tried to find some mushrooms and fruits to eat first and they started walking.
Toward the tracks.
The tracks ran parallel with the main road and it was bound to lead them somewhere. They could catch sight of the bus they had missed when the artillery fire from the tank had started and the others would have thought the same. Rick had always followed the road and tracks in the woods before finding the prison. So they walked towards the tracks before they got cornered by a dozen walkers.
Their life had turned to this once more in a blink, had changed so drastically in a heartbeat. It wasn’t something Maggie hadn’t experienced before, but she supposed it was one of the things that experience didn’t make a difference. Losing your home. It was as bad as the first time.
She remembered how her father had convinced Beth to unpack her backpack after finding the prison, how she had started to write her diary to ease her heart. She remembered how Glenn had proposed to her, she remembered how they had started to consider their future together in a new light. She remembered how Amanda had gotten drunk with her, let herself talk about Rick, questioned Maggie about her and Glenn, getting curious about possibilities. Because it wasn’t only about surviving anymore. They all were trying to live again, wondering about possibilities.
Just like how Maggie and Glenn had started considering if they would have a child together. If they would let themselves think about the future that much. Believe in it that much. It doesn’t hurt anyone to have a little bit of faith.
Her sister’s words echoed in her mind as the red blade fell on her father’s neck. It did hurt. It did hurt having faith. More than Maggie would have imagined. More than she had thought. Hope was such a fickle, dangerous thing.
A memory came to her as she straddled the thick bench in the air, remembering those times in the winter in the cold, remembering the times when Rick was stern, hard, but sincerely open with them to keep them alive.
“Be careful. Hope a fickle, dangerous thing,”* he had told them over a fire after a very long, hopeful discussion about what they were going to do when they found a place to live again. “It steals your focus and aims it toward the possibilities instead of keeping it where it belongs.” He had fixated on them with a look as stern as his voice. “On the probabilities.”
“So we’re not supposed to hope that we live?” Glenn had questioned back. “We just escape from death?”
Rick had shaken his head slowly, still holding them captive with his look. “No. You’re supposed to focus on the things that can kill you so you find ways not to die.”
Their focus needed to be on the probabilities now, not on the possibilities. So they could find ways not to die.
The prison’s whereabouts were getting a lot more dangerous. Maggie still wanted to look around, but she knew they wouldn’t spend so much around here anymore. The possibilities were endless but the probability of finding anyone still alive in the woods after last night was low. They needed to be careful and logical with their plan. The tracks were still the best choice.
When the herd’s limping parade passed, they jumped down. Maggie sobbed in her hitched breath and dried her nose with the back of her hand. It was getting cold in the morning.
Glenn was watching her. The desperation and grief were in his dark almond eyes as well, worry and concern. He had wanted to talk about what had happened last night in the cabin, had wanted to talk about his father but Maggie had stopped him. It was too early now to talk about their loss. She couldn’t do that yet.
She tipped her head at him. “Let’s go.”
This wasn’t the end.
It wasn’t only a fickle, foolish hope or a pipe dream. Just like when Rick had questioned them about their faith in his leadership, telling them there was still a place for them in the world. It hadn’t been a pipe dream then, and it wasn’t now, either. He had found it for them. They were going to find each other and they were going to do it again. It wasn’t blind faith. Maggie knew it anymore. She had prayed so long in the prison to anyone who would hear them to let them have this, but she knew better now.
Her faith had abandoned her. Died with her father. It wasn’t blind faith, but belief in herself, in her people. This wasn’t the end for them but they wouldn’t allow it. They wouldn’t stop fighting. Just like how they hadn’t even when a tank rolled up in front of their fences and asked what they had. They hadn’t even then and they weren’t going to start now, either.
Glenn took her hand in his again and squeezed it, looking at her. A small wordless understanding passed between them, a confirmation or a vow. Maggie couldn’t be sure but it wasn’t important. But it told her she wasn’t alone in this. Her husband was still with her.
Hand to hand, they started to walk towards the tracks.
“We’ll find her,” he whispered to her, facing ahead, and Maggie nodded her agreement. Even if all of her probabilities ended, she would still believe him. Anytime, every time. “We’ll find all of them, baby.”
Maggie nodded again silently, then slowly murmured, “Hope is a fickle, dangerous thing.” She paused and gave him a sideways glance. “But it ain’t hope. It’s the truth.”
Glenn nodded back. “Yeah.”
They walked, walked, walked until the sky above them started to get grey and purple. On the horizon, the tracks met at a crossroads. They stopped there and looked for any signs of their people. And then saw it.
The yellow bus on the road that ran parallel to the tracks.
It was in the middle of the road where the tracks and the road met, fell on its side. Blood stains were all over it. Maggie felt breathless, tears burning her eyes. She hitched in a breath, trying to hold her compose, trying to hold on to her belief. The probability was so high that she wanted to turn around and run away, and take refuge in ignorance. If she didn’t know, she would always have a foolish hope. If she didn’t know, the only remaining member of her family, her beautiful sister would always stay alive in her thoughts.
Hope was foolish, but it also soothed. Reality hurt.
Yet, Maggie still walked towards the bus. She needed to know. There were still a few lingering walkers that were feasting on the small bodies. Her tears ran as they killed them. She tried to wrap herself around a bubble of numbness to protect herself, but the scene was so hard to witness she cursed again for wanting to know for real, yearning for the bliss of ignorance.
They checked all the small bodies with the elderlies, and a few people Maggie could barely recognize now from D Block. When they finished, Maggie threw herself out of the carnage with tears, her body shaking with horror and relief at the same time. She had never experienced horror and relief this strongly that much.
Beth wasn’t there. Judith, Carl weren’t there. They had missed the bus. She couldn’t see Amanda, but that wasn’t surprising. Daryl wasn’t there, and it wasn’t surprising, either. She hadn’t even expected Rick to be on the bus, so she had at least made sure her close family’s probabilities for still being alive were still high.
To her better comfort, she hadn’t seen Joan and the teenage boy on the bus, either, and she felt glad for that, as well. Not only for Amanda’s sake but because she owed the nurse and the boy one for getting them out of Grady.
They stepped out of the bus, breathing deeply and looking at each other. Maggie knew Glenn was living the same experience as her, a relief mixed with horror although they didn’t talk about it, either. Maggie turned aside and looked at where the tracks met, and saw the wooden board the first time.
Just on the crossroad, a tall wooden board, with a script on it.
Sanctuary for all. Those who arrive survive.
Maggie pursed her lips, looking at it, probabilities and possibilities calculating in her mind at the speed of light. Hope clashed with reality as light clashed with the dark.
She turned to her husband. “What do you think?” she asked. “Scheme or real?”
Glenn shrugged. “Daryl and I saw it a couple of times since last month,” he answered. “Never got curious enough to check it. Rick wanted us to stay away, too.”
Maggie nodded her agreement. Making friends with new communities hadn’t boded well for them. Glenn’s eyes narrowed further as he studied the wooden board. “It just sounds too good to be true, right?”
“Yeah,” Maggie confirmed it with a bob of her head. “Yeah, it does.” And they both knew how the saying went. If it sounded too good to be true, it probably was. The possibilities were endless, but the probability was always low.
“We also heard them a couple of times in the car,” Glenn continued. “They also broadcast over the radio, calling people.”
“Well, sounds desperate.”
Glenn looked at her.
The thing was...desperation was a funny thing. It made you do funny stuff. Maggie looked at her husband. “We need supplies, guns,” she declared.
Glenn let out a sigh, nodding his head again. “Yeah, we do.”
At that moment, Maggie understood she had already made her decision. She wondered how they would leave a message like they had done on the road after losing their farm. They had written a note on the car Rick and his people had left in the traffic jam before finding the farm. She wanted to do that again, but leaving a note wouldn’t have been enough this time, perhaps.
Maggie had another idea.
She twisted aside and looked at the walkers they had just killed around the bus.
Then right at that moment, something else happened. An open military-type truck rounded the curve of the main road and entered their vision. They only hesitated for a second. They both drew out their guns at the same second, aiming for the approaching vehicle.
They were out open at the crossroad with nowhere to hide. Their guns had so few bullets left but Maggie was determined to waste them if needs be. The truck stopped. Maggie saw a big, ginger-haired man in military camouflage behind the wheel and a dark-haired woman with pigtails under a military cap on the passenger seat. She was wearing a half-dark green shirt that she had tied under her chest, leaving her navel open naked. Maggie thought it as the most stupid thing she had seen for a long time but the woman had a very stoic face as she regarded them beside the man to make such a fatal, stupid mistake.
There was a funny-looking fat man in the backseat of the open truck, looking frightened. The other duo still were regarding them passively, without even flinching a muscle. Neither Maggie nor Glenn lowered their guns.
Maggie ran the probabilities and the endless possibilities in her mind until the ginger-haired man with the military cut finally got up behind the wheel, slung himself half over the windshield, and…smiled.
“Hello, good fellas,” he called out to them with his big cheesy smile. “Do you wanna save the world?”
# # #
Rick swore, running over the staircase, limping on his good leg as fast as he could. It never ended. Never. They could never have a quiet moment, sit down, and talk just like he had known. Just have a damn talk!
He had made up his mind. Perhaps he had even made it when he dropped to the floor next to her after his intense climax, trying to catch his breath. On the rooftop, he had felt weird, he hadn’t known what to do as he lay beside her, but this time the need had been so strong in him, so strong that Rick didn’t even fight with it. He had wanted to hold her in his arms like in his dream, feel her warmness once more with him. It wasn't a dream that his mind had cooked up for him. She was just lying there on her side on her own, facing the wall, making him feel like she was so far away from him, so distant. Rick felt it so unacceptable that he quickly turned on his side, took her in his arms, and held her hand.
There were still so many questions and conflicts in his mind, but after holding Amanda, each of them was silenced. His need had driven him to finally make a move. Her hand in his felt so familiar, like it belonged there. He hadn't even remembered how he used to feel while waking up those dreams, looking at his hand in the darkness of his cell. This time instead, Rick had tightened his fingers through hers, pulling her closer to himself, something inside him clicking.
They were both reluctant to leave the little respite they had created for themselves amid the chaos, and it was then Rick had realized he wanted more. More of this with her. He wanted them to have a real relationship. Here he was, finally admitting it. He was done with this shit. He wanted them to be real.
He still felt torn with his feelings, of feeling what he felt for Amanda while he still loved Lori, but his confusion didn’t unmake what he felt. Didn’t make him stop yearning for it, either. Rick had fucked her today like an animal, losing to his desire for her, his need to prove to her what he felt in a way that felt natural to him, and when the dust settled, he was also ready to confess it to her.
He was done with this pseudo-relationship stuff they had. He still didn’t know how they were going to do it, how he was going to do with Carl, how Amanda would feel…dating a widow with two kids for real. Even the word sounded strange to him, dating.
How could they even date in their world now?
How could Rick do it?
He had no idea, but he was going to figure it out. As soon as he put everything back together, they were going to figure it out. He just wished the outside world would have stopped throwing him curveballs! The hand he got dealt was already filling his plate. Rick didn’t need any more shit on his plate.
The only problem was that the world still didn’t agree with him.
“BETH!!” Amanda cried out, spinning around after they stepped out on the corridor upstairs as Rick ran beside her. She looked wild and out of her mind, her hair upheaved once more as Rick had kissed her passionately again before they left the downstairs.
There was a long bruise on the back of her head under her ear where Rick had taken a special interest after discovering she had a special spot there that made her shiver under him nicely the first time they had sex. Rick hadn’t forgotten that spot. He hadn’t forgotten any damn thing about her, had been dreaming about them for weeks. Her loose hair was hiding it from open sight, but Rick still felt glad that Carl wouldn’t see it.
Her clothes were disheveled as bad as her hair, having all the usual I-just-got-fucked-look which Rick was sure he also carried on himself after their hot quickie. He hadn’t planned it when he had taken her downstairs for a talk, feeling they needed to clear some air between them at least after they buried that guy they had found in the funeral home at Amanda and Beth’s request.
Rick had honored their wish without a protest, especially when Amanda also demanded it. They wanted to bury the man, so Rick dug the grave. The rest wasn’t important to him. It made them feel better, so Rick was okay with it.
He checked her with the corner of his eyes as he scurried towards the door. There were no walkers inside, but the tale-tell snarls and growls were coming from outside. The heavy locked door was keeping them at the other side, but when Rick peered outside from the window beside the door, he saw the porch and the yard were swarming with the walkers.
A herd had found them. There were at least fifty walkers, he counted, swearing under his breath. They were energetic, buzzing, instinctively knowing there was fresh food inside. They were banging on the metal door to get through to no avail.
Rick cursed again.
The door still protected them, but it was impossible to leave the house from there.
How? How had those geeks managed to find them? The question popped into his mind even when he knew it was useless to ask. The dead always were out there, waiting to slip through the door and claim them.
But he had also made a full perimeter check as Amanda and Beth had made their funeral, had walked over the lawn, and checked the tree lines. He hadn’t even seen a lone walker. Where these had come from?
He swore under his breath for leaving the porch unattended and got caught literally while his pants were almost off. But he had checked it. It was clean. Otherwise, he would have never left his post with Amanda without telling at least Carl to stay on guard. There was a part of him that knew he still shouldn’t have done it, no matter what, it was against all of his rules, what he always kept telling them repeatedly like a broken record.
That they were never safe. No matter how the area looked safe, no matter how it looked clear, they would never be safe. One moment you would kiss the woman you had feelings for on the watch tower, the next second you would find a tank waiting for you at the fences.
It was the world they lived in now. Yet if he had done it, if he had told Carl to stay on watch because Rick needed to stay alone with Amanda downstairs for a while, he also knew he was going to open up a can of worms that none of them was ready to tackle.
Rick sneered with anger, turning towards Amanda. “Find the kids,” he ordered, voice rough now for different reasons. “They must be at the back door. The main door would hold, but I’ll barricade it just in case.”
She nodded, quickly sprinting towards the back, calling for Beth and Carl.
It wasn’t a big building, but as he was moving the couch out of the memorial hall, he lost her agitated, panicked voice. The only sounds now were snarls and growls from the outside. Rick wanted to hit something, wanted to open the door and kill those bastards, rip them apart. Just one night, all he had been asking was one night, just a quiet night so that he would make things a bit better with his family.
All he had been asking was a quiet night. They all needed it after last night. All Rick wanted to have his family safe and beside him. He hadn’t been asking anything more than that, but even those little things were a luxury now.
Rick pushed the couch angrily and dived into the memorial hall to grab the second backpack Daryl had stashed. There were more supplies downstairs, Rick had seen them but when the heavy, stout door shook on its hinges with the weight the animated walkers put on it and the tinted glass panel on the door shattered with a loud crash, Rick swore and started taking quick limping steps backward. Raw rotten, sickly purple hands pushed through the broken glass as Rick rummaged through the backpack and found the gun he had seen earlier. He grabbed it, slung the backpack over his shoulder, and ran back.
Rick found them in the second hall. It had a second door, much smaller and narrower than the main entrance, but snarls and growls were coming from that side, as well. Rick swore again, shaking his head angrily as he read the situation.
They were surrounded. His eyes flicked and cast a glance at Amanda who was looking at him with a concerned look as Rick suddenly stopped in front of the sight ahead of him. It wasn’t about the walkers that surrounded them or the fact that Amanda still looked so disheveled and upheaved like she was fucked out of her mind a couple of minutes ago. No. It was entirely something else.
It was because Amanda was standing in the room, looking worried as she held in her arms his baby daughter who was crying with bawling sounds, getting upset and scared with the clamor. And, Amanda was trying to soothe her. Mika was there too, hiding behind her on the other side, her short arms wrapped around her legs.
The scene caught him so unguarded that Rick could only gape at her for a few seconds as she stood with Judy and Mika coiled around her like little koalas. Perhaps that was what had caught him by surprise, not only the scene itself but the familiarity whilst it happened
Amanda was naturally good with children, Rick had already known it, but he still had never seen her like this. Rick knew his baby girl. Judy was an ornery baby and she didn’t get familiar with people quickly. Her tiny puffy arms were clenched around Amanda’s upper arms tightly, her small head over Amanda’s shoulder as she cried sobbingly like she did in Rick’s arms whenever she felt upset. If Judy didn’t feel that familiarity, she would have already tried to throw herself off her arms, not clutching her like a koala baby. Rick knew his baby girl.
The scene surprised him even further as slowly Judith’s cries quieted after Amanda brought her closer to her bosom, whispering to her ear as her hand made light gentle strokes across Judy’s back.
Then Amanda noticed him, still gaping at her, astonished. He wasn’t the only one, either. Beside him, he could sense Carl’s gaze on him, as well. Rick cleared his throat and tried to school his expression. Seeing her with Judy had thrown him for a loop, but Rick wasn’t ready yet to tackle that, either.
“The door is gone,” he told them, walking toward Amanda to take Judy. “We need to go.” She passed her to him quietly without an objection. It wasn’t Rick didn’t trust her with his baby girl, either. Because he did, but it seemed to him better if Rick held his baby right now.
Carl was still sending him heated looks and soon his son exploded. “Where were you, Dad? I’ve been calling for you for minutes! Why did you leave the porch unattended?”
The anger was clear in Carl’s voice, the same anger that was also simmering down beneath him, but it wasn’t the time for this discussion. Rick glanced at Amanda who was looking at them with a more worried look. The sneers outside grew more agitated.
Carl caught the look they shared. “Were you together?” he asked, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.
“Yeah, we were talking about something,” Rick replied offhandedly to dodge the question, hopping Judy in his arms. Beth gave them a look even though she stayed quiet.
“About what?” Carl insisted, pressing further, but Rick acted like he hadn’t heard him. He turned to Amanda instead, facing her fully.
“We gotta go,” he repeated. “We’re getting surrounded. There’re at least fifty walkers. More will join up ‘em.”
Amanda swallowed and nodded. Rick glanced at Carl again, walking towards the window to see the situation properly. “What happened?” he asked his son.
He picked up more than two dozen walkers out in the backyard, too, trying to reach the low small deck that gave access to the back door.
“There was this dog Daryl fed last night,” Beth answered instead of Carl who was still looking at him and Amanda. “We found it in the yard when we first came. Daryl fed him pig’s feet last night. We heard the cans we put up clutter. We thought you were on the porch. Carl went to check it out and opened the door without peeking out first. It was the dog again. We wanted to give him food, but he was already eating something on the porch. We thought them pig’s feet from yesterday but they weren’t. They were game animals. We were going to call you out but suddenly walkers came up. We managed to close the door at the last minute, shouted out for you, and ran back here.”
Rick cursed himself silently, knowing they had missed the danger very marginally. Rick always told them never to open a door without checking it first, but he also told them never to leave their posts unattended, too. He couldn’t chide his son right now after making that rookie mistake himself, especially when Carl was still giving him those wary, suspicious looks and Amanda looked like she was in pain.
She had also recognized their mistake. Rick recalled how she had gotten mad at him for failing to discover the dead rats in the prison because she had thought Maggie and Glenn were neglecting their duties on the watch, and the dead animals also made the hairs on the back of his neck stand. It sounded so familiar that Rick wanted to curse loudly again. He also recalled this place was connected to Gray, something coiling tighter in his stomach.
Calming his riled-up nerves, he hushed Judy in his arms before passing her to Carl and turning to Amanda. “Do you know that dog?” he questioned Amanda.
Something was still putting him off, creating a disturbance in him. Maybe it was his nerves even after having a wild climax, refusing to calm down. Maybe the dog really brought the animals he caught in the woods to their doorsteps out of habit, but something still spooked Rick. He hadn’t seen any remains of dead animals on the porch. He had stayed on the porch for long hours today after they arrived, both for standing guard and giving Amanda space, but nothing unusual like dead animals had caught his eyes. And Rick had developed an eye for spotting dead animals after what happened in the prison. He wouldn’t have missed it if there were.
And it wasn’t a habit, then it meant someone put those animals for the dog there—or worse they weren’t for the dog, either. The hairs on the back of his beck stood with the remembrance, recalling how that bastard left the pieces of dead animals to lead walkers to the prison. Rick couldn’t go out now and check his deduction but he couldn’t close his eyes to his observations.
“I-I don’t know,” Amanda answered. “I’ve never seen this place before, I told you.” She paused, reading his concern as she looked at him, catching up with him. “But once Dawn sent Gorman and his pals to check this place to see if it still stood. They were talking about a dog being around,” she went on, her lips clenched into a tight line with a grimace, her voice hardening. “It had a limp and they were making fun of it, questioning how it’d survive running from the rotters with his limp. They found it funny.”
Beth gasped. “It’s the same dog. It has a limp.”
Rick’s jaw tightened cutter, not liking what he heard even though it sounded unlikely to happen. What was the odds of that asshole being here now? It wasn’t sounding possible, but it wasn’t fully improbable. Something not having a high probability didn’t make it impossible. Rick had learned it the hard way.
Amanda’s face clouded with sudden anger as she stepped ahead, holding Mika back. “D-do you think this’s Gorman?” she asked. “He led the rotters onto us using the dog as bait?”
“I’m stating the possibilities,” Rick countered, jerking his head as he checked outside again, zeroing his focus into the tree line, but it wasn’t possible to see anything in the darkness.
“It doesn’t sound likely to happen,” he accepted, “but it’s still a possibility.” He jerked his head to Carl and Beth to get closer. “I didn’t see any remnants of dead animals on the porch today. If it’s a habit of the mutt, we should’ve seen something. I don’t trust the odds.” Even when they were low these days. It was another lesson he had learned.
Amanda nodded thoughtfully, then her face became more haggard, her back turning rigid. “If it’s him, I’ll kill him this time!” she spat, locking her eyes on him. There was real anger in those green eyes now, something Rick hadn’t seen in them for a while. After the day he stopped her and convinced her to stay with them in the prison.
She had managed to bury to grudge and hatred for the asshole, but Rick had made it resurface once more. He cursed himself silently again for doing this right now. His concentration and focus were so divided between many things that he had forgotten that little detail.
The fact that she had been so close to leaving to find the asshole and take her revenge even if it meant her death.
With a building panic inside him, seeing where this would lead them, Rick took a quick step toward her. “Hey!” he called out to her, sidling to her closer, and caught her eyes, tipping his head.
“Remember what you just promised me,” he reminded her. She couldn’t die on him, either, and Rick had made her promise exactly for situations like these.
Amanda kept his look, understanding him and breathing slowly, Rick saw her sudden frenzy for revenge slowly die in her eyes.
Out of the corner of his eye, Rick caught Carl’s look on them once more. It had grown even more suspicious now. Rick sighed inwardly before repeating, “We need to get outta here.”
“How?” Carl asked, snappish, fixating on him with a glare. “You said we’re surrounded.”
His clenched jaw moved with dissatisfaction, barely holding onto his anger, as well. He didn’t want to start this with his son right now, especially in front of the others, but he knew he also needed to sit down and talk with his son now. It wasn’t only about Amanda, either.
“Okay,” Rick breathed out, pushing it backward in his mind. He was going to deal with this when they left the house and found themselves another place to pass the night. What they were going to do with Daryl was a thing Rick was going to think about later.
“There’re too many around the back door, too. We need to divide them. I’ll make it out of the window and draw them away. You go out from the back door after they disperse,” he instructed.
Amanda looked like she was about to oppose, but Beth beat her to it. “What about Daryl?” the teenage girl asked. “How will we find him again?”
“We’ll find him later,” Rick assured. “Or he’d find us. He can track us after seeing the house surrounded.”
“What if Gorman is truly here?” Amanda questioned this time.
Rick sighed, checking the gun he had found in the backpack. “If he’s here, he’s here,” he only said. He threw them a look, moving his eyes over them. “I’ll get the supplies downstairs and then we leave. Get ready. If more walkers come up, yell for me.”
“I’ll—” Amanda started to follow him, but Rick stopped her.
“No, you stay here with the kids.”
Rick stuffed whatever supplies he could find into his backpack, and quickly climbed the stairs again. He couldn’t rummage thoroughly but just grabbed whatever Daryl had prepared before. He cursed himself again for letting his sexual urges win but not getting ready like he should have when he had time. We still have time, he remembered himself telling Amanda when she wanted to leave and how he had stopped her, not wanting her to leave his embrace, not wanting them to lose the peace they had momentarily found. They shouldn’t pay for it like this, for having a little bit of peace. Rick jerked his head with anger, feeling angry at everything.
They were waiting for him over the window when Rick came back. He limped toward them, his injury was throbbing with every step he took now, but Rick still didn’t stop. They all watched his limp with worried eyes, Rick also noticed but pretended he hadn’t.
“Y’all ready?” he asked, standing over the window, checking outside the darkness. The walkers were still around the deck.
“I’ll come with you,” Carl announced, holding his sister in his arms but his anger was still high in his voice. “You can’t do it alone. You’re injured.”
“He’s right, Rick,” Amanda cut in between them, whispering in a heated voice as well. “You can’t do it.” Rick narrowed his eyes at her. They were losing time. They had already lost time while talking and as he had gone to take the supplies and the walkers were making a bigger a crowd.
“I’ll make the run and draw them away,” she said, holding her hand for the gun. “You stay with the kids.”
“Yeah, like it’d happen,” Rick muttered to himself, opening the window.
Amanda’s face hardened, fixating on him with a glare. “Rick, you have a limp.”
Holding her look, Rick almost reminded her what he had done to her downstairs a few minutes ago with his limp. He hoped his look could tell her how he felt about her suggestion. “I’m fine.”
Rick opened the window as Amanda caught his elbow to stop him, her stormy eyes telling him she still wasn’t fine with him doing the running. “I’m faster than you without a gunshot,” she pointed out. They stared at each other for a few seconds, the snarls and growls from outside reaching over to hem louder with the open window.
Amanda swallowed and whispered to him, “You promised me, too, Rick.”
At first, Rick didn’t understand, but then remembered he had promised he wasn’t going to die on her, either, before they left the prison together. Their eyes lingered on each other, sharing their intensity.
Amanda was worried, worried for him, worried something was going to happen to him and it moved Rick so much even now that he wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her thoroughly again. Tell her he was going to be okay. That he had made her a promise, yes, and he still intended to keep it. He still didn’t plan to get killed. They needed him. He couldn’t fail them like that.
His hand almost raised and touched her face again, cupped her cheek, but he stopped himself at the last moment, reminding himself Carl who was watching them again with the same wary eyes. His son’s whole focus on them right now instead of the walkers outside, his attention solely taken by the scene Amanda and he had created.
Rick sighed, feeling Carl’s distress further, and shook his head in opposition once more. He couldn’t let her. He just couldn’t. It didn’t mean he didn’t trust her, but he couldn’t let her risk her life after today. After watching a gun turned to her. After he had thought he would have lost her, too. Rick had lived through that scare enough for a lifetime.
“It’s okay,” he told her, leaning over the window. “I know how I can get them off my heels.”
Rick was already forming up a plan in his mind, but Amanda still didn’t let his elbow go. She approached him instead. “Rick, this would be a trap.” Her sincere fear was heating her low voice while she reminded him the other stuff. “If someone put those animals on the porch, they might be waiting for you outside.”
That Rick already knew, too. He nodded and handed the gun in his hand to her. “Take it,” he told her as she looked at him. She didn’t take it. “I won’t need it. I need to stay silent until I get to the position and draw them away. Take the gun and protect me. If something happens, run with the kids.”
“Rick—”
“Amanda, take it,” Rick cut her off, his voice getting more determined. He wasn’t going to have this fight with her. Rick had accepted her gun when she left him behind the bus, and it was her turn now.
She closed her eyes tiredly for a split second, heaving out deeply, but accepted at least she wouldn’t win this fight with him this time.
Because Rick always did what had to be done. Protect them at all cost.
Amanda took the gun he handed to her without another word.
Before he leaped over the window, he twisted his neck and his eyes found her fearful moist green eyes. She was watching him with so much concern and fear now for a second she reminded him of Lori, the way Lori looked whenever Rick did something incredulously dangerous, or just generally preoccupied because of his job even before the outbreak.
Now, as she stood there watching him still holding the gun Rick had given to her, Rick was remembering that and it made him feel all confused and torn once more, made him feel like an asshole all over again. He hadn’t thought of Lori this time after they had sex downstairs, he had only thought of her and himself, the thing they had, but now, Rick still couldn’t help himself. He shouldn’t do this, compare her to Lori, think of his dead wife while he was looking at her. He shouldn’t do it, but he still couldn’t help himself. He glanced at his ring, holding the window’s frame.
Amanda also caught his flicking glance over his hand. She stayed expressionless as if she hadn’t caught him, but Rick still wanted to curse himself, but he only said, “Be careful.”
Fear echoed in her moist green eyes once more as she bobbed her head at him. “You, too.”
# # #
Fear was so strong in her as Rick jumped from the window into the night that Amanda couldn’t even bring herself worry about it much when she caught him glancing at his ring again after their intense silent moment, although some part of her knew instinctively once more he had a conflicting moment within himself about them.
She gazed down after him holding back a silent sigh as Rick rolled over the hill and quietly killed a few rotters nearby with his knife like a predator in the wilderness. His sly, in stealth rove had the skill and grace of the predators on the prowl as he hunted down the undead as silently as possible, not even having any firepower on him for emergencies, either, because he had also given her the only gun with rounds.
Amanda remembered the moment for a second watching him, too tired to fight with him once more and knowing she wouldn’t win either when he grew like this. It was just the Rick Grimes and she accepted it, like she had eventually agreed to disagree with him on Lizzie even when she didn’t accept it. She silently cursed their luck for not having other weapons in the house, but like always, beggars couldn’t be choosers.
They were so low with supplies even the pig’s feet they had found inside the drawers were a progress in the condition. She sighed inwardly, watching outside, but she decided not to curse their luck further because Rick was still on the prowl, hunting down the rotters and no one had intercepted his way yet. He was still doing his, preparing a clean way from them.
I’ll put everything back together.
Amanda supposed this was also his way of putting everything back together even though it was incredibly stupid and dangerous at the same time. And she still let him do it. I’ll put everything back together.
She remembered how easily she had believed him when he said it, how unwound she became in his arms. How his comfort soothed her. Despite everything, it was still so easy to believe him, follow him. Amanda had already confirmed it in front of the Death Wing, but somehow that belief had also evolved into something more, something that had made her look for…more.
Damn man! She remembered how she had cut her hair in front of mirror, wanting a change in her life, wanting to…try something else. Her hand raised a little and touched the loose ends of her hair, remembering how he had stroked them downstairs half of an hour ago. She remembered being in his arms again, how she felt when he assured her what they had was real. It had felt so bad when she thought she was being used for her body, his affirmation had unwound something in her further, so Amanda really shouldn’t get bothered like this again because he caught her checking his ring once more after they shared a last look.
It wasn’t like that she expected him to take off his ring just because he confessed what they had between them was real, especially when he had also confessed it scared him and he thought it—she was dangerous for him.
Stupid man! Why he always had to make her feel like this! Torn between two feelings. His constant toing and froing was becoming more than mixed signals now. Amanda still didn’t say she was the expert, but she was at least much better.
But was she really? She couldn’t tell him or openly admit that she wanted them to have a real relationship when he asked her, something still had silenced her tongue. There was a part of her that wanted to say yes but the other part still had her reserves with the idea, a small voice in her mind whispering to her that she wasn’t cut for the relationships. Especially with someone like Rick. Nevertheless what she wanted, Amanda still knew what she didn’t want to be. She didn’t want to be anyone’s band aid or side dish.
God! She really should have made the running!
The thought reminded her again how determinedly Rick had opposed it, not letting her do it even when they both knew she was better qualified with it. At least, she didn’t have a gunshot in her hip. It really should have been her, Rick had confessed it many times today as well that he needed her help, but when the time came, he still hadn’t let her. She tried not to let too much in it because she also knew it was a ‘leader thing’ like Maggie had told her in front of Death Wing after he insisted going inside with Lamson to clear the way.
Yes, it was still the leader thing, she knew, but that other little voice in her mind still kept whispering the other stuff, the other stuff that made her feel even more conflicted and confused about him, and Amanda fucking hated it!
Fucking, fucking hated feeling like this!
Her fisted hand almost hit the windowsill with her angered confusion at the same time she noticed a pair of studious eyes on her from the other corner. Even without twisting aside to check to whom it belonged, Amanda knew it was Carl’s. The teenager had been sending them those keen, studious looks since he saw them together and Rick admitted they had been downstairs.
Somehow his looks made Amanda feel even more self-conscious, urged her to check her unkempt appearance. It set her so much on edge that every time Amanda felt those glances on her, she barely stopped herself from fixing her clothes or hair. They made her feel as if they were doing something they weren’t supposed to. Like secretly having sex downstairs.
God!
It wasn’t enough that Rick made her feel as if she was being his side dish with his conflicts, his son also made her feel like they were having an affair!
She dipped her head to the floor, not knowing how to feel anymore. The snarls and growls were growing louder and louder through the open window, she still couldn’t give her utmost attention to them as she should when there was so many questions without right answers in her mind.
What the hell she was really expecting from this, she had no idea. Those were the older questions she had managed to bury in the last moment, knowing it was impossible but they were resurfacing once more in the worst ways, in the worst moments.
Even though they had a real relationship if they decided to try it, what they were going to do? They had sex secretly so they were going to have a secret relationship as well, hide it from Carl?
Or were they going to declare their relationship even when Carl so opposed it, not caring how he might feel with it? It was so clear that Carl didn’t want to share his father, Amanda didn’t even fancy herself with him being okay with it. There was some drama regarding in the Grimes’ family regarding that, what Rick had half confessed to her today had made it even clearer. Amanda shouldn’t make things more complicated for them. Rick’s relationship with his teenage son had enough tension without Amanda bringing her own to the mix.
So yeah the easiest answer sounded like hiding it if they decided to pursue the thing they had further, but was Amanda really ready for it? It was bad enough knowing that Rick still loved his wife while having feelings for her, she wasn’t sure if she would have a secret relationship with him when things being like this? It was even hard in her mind while everything was speculations and confusing muddled thoughts, but things being real?
Amanda still didn’t know.
A loud crash from back in the house brought her back to the reality as Amanda wanted to slap herself for getting distracted like this while they were being surrounded by a herd outside, and there was a very high probability that someone would have caused it by leaving dead animals on their porch.
Someone like Gorman.
Amanda contained herself from going further with the idea as her jaw set once again with the old familiar anger resurfacing from the deep inside her, Gorman’s round red face swirling in her mind while he blew off McKinley’s head for not heeding his word when he ordered Amanda to take in custody.
No. It was even a worse thing to think right now.
She had responsibilities, and Rick was right. She had made a promise. Their priorities was to stay alive. Rick was out to do his stuff and Amanda should do her own instead of contemplating about her damn love life.
Even the thought of her having a love life was so foreign and unfamiliar, but Amanda didn’t concentrate on it this time and checked Rick instead. She was still seeing him roving form in the darkness, trying to take the best position with a way out to fall back when he started to make some noise and draw away the rotters from the back deck. He was okay.
If it had been a trap, if someone had done this to urge them out, they would have already caught Rick.
She turned to the kids. Better to prep them again in case things went astray once more. Those were her priorities, she reminded herself. Rick should take care of himself. There was a part of her that still worried for him, but she was going to her own job.
She turned to Mika who was still hiding behind Beth now. She walked closer to her and knelt in front of her. “Mika, dear, you remember our class, right?” The little girl bobbed her head, peaking at her behind Beth. Carl watched her with Judy in his arms from the other side. Amanda refused to acknowledge his studious look anymore. “When I say run, you run. When I say hide, you hide. Like in our classes.”
Mika nodded meekly again.
“It’s the same,” Amanda tried to comfort her further. “It’s only a bit more dangerous. But we’re here, and we’ll protect you.” She didn’t know how much Mika believed in her words now because they had failed to protect her sister, but Amanda still tried to do her best. She still didn’t know what to do with a little girl who had watched her sister kill herself.
She swallowed, remembering the moment, but nodded back at her in a way she hoped was reassuring enough. She got up the next second and looked at Beth.
“Ya okay?” the teenage girl asked her silently, sensing her distress.
The question momentarily caught her off guard, even when she answered with a ‘yeah’ on automatic response. But the truth was that she was far from being okay. She was afraid, she was confused. They had caused a mentally ill little girl to the point of suicide together after pointing a girl at her, and Amanda didn’t know how to comfort her sister even when she felt she had to. Furthermore, she had also had sex with him again secretly again and it all made her feel like they were having a secret affair and his son was still giving her those wary glances, making her feel worse like she was his mistress.
And he was out there again, risking his life for them again when it had been her instead, but she also knew it wasn’t only a leader thing because she knew he couldn’t lose her, too.
At the moment, Amanda really understood why Rick had asked time from her. Perhaps—perhaps it was the best postponing everything until a more suitable time. They were just creating more confusion, and they couldn’t afford it. They didn’t have that luxury. They didn’t have the luxury of being confused.
The undead didn’t excuse them when they were confused and distracted.
At that moment, she heard the loud shouts from the outside. Rick had found two metal claps from the backyard, she supposed, and were hitting them to each other above his head to make some noise. The loud clatter of the metal cut off in the dark night loud. It was perfect for what they desired. It wasn’t as loud as gunshots so that it wouldn’t draw more rotters towards them from nearby, but it was loud enough to distract the undead around the house to create a gateway from them. Amanda watched as the rotters around the deck turned around and started to limp towards the source of the sound. Rick was taking small steps backward as he hit the metal plates, retreating as he kept making noises.
Amanda didn’t waste any more time. They needed to hurry now. If Rick continued to retreat, they were going to be separated with the rotters between them. She motioned Carl and Beth with her head as she grabbed Mika’s hand. Carl was still holding his sister who was still crying over his shoulder.
Amanda let out a breath, straightening her inner reserves. They got this. “Quick,” she ordered, moving them towards the back door from the window. “We need to get out.” She held the door’s handles, checking outside through the glass panel. They were still rotters outside but they were going to handle them. She holstered her gun and drew out her knife. They needed to deal with them in stealth as well, otherwise Rick’s hard job was going to lose its purpose.
“Carl, give your sister to Beth,” she ordered. Carl had better experience with the rotters, so it was a safer bet to put him in the behind even if she hated it. “Beth, get behind me,” she continued. “Carl, you cover them. Mika, you’re with me.” She grabbed her small hand to assure her further and then opened the door.
And as soon as she did it, she hated it. She had always wanted her pupils to have real life experience to get themselves ready for the outside world, but she didn’t want them to suffer this. Beth and Carl, maybe, but at least not Mika or Judy. No child should experience this. Mika hid herself along her leg once more, scared as Amanda pulled her closer with one hand. With the other, she killed the rotter nearby, still not wanting to leave Mika who was grasping her hand so tightly in fear.
Thank God, the rotters away from the deck were lumbering away from them as Rick kept making noises as Amanda tried to kill the ones around them as quiet as possible to escape. If she caught who had put those animals on the porch… She stopped that line of thought again, not letting herself swirl into another anger fit. It wasn’t the time to get angry. Once she took the kids safely from this trap, she was going to get angry!
Carl killed one away from Beth as they stepped on the deck. Ahead of them, she saw Rick now fighting with the undead as he stopped his retreat so that they weren’t getting separated from each other further but it also made him get caught. With panic, she watched fighting for his life as more circled around him as they tried to push the way for themselves.
It was madness!
And it was all her fault! She should have never made them come here! Should have never suggested it to Daryl! It was all her damn fault once more! She was fucking up everything! She could never do anything right. Never.
There were so many rotters around them now that Amanda realized if they left now Rick wouldn’t have make out of there alive. They were swarming him from all round. If they stayed and helped him, the geeks would have caught them as well. Amanda would fight and protect herself, but she couldn’t fight and protect herself and the kids all at once in this mess. Not when there were Judy and Mika.
“Go!” she cried, unlinking her holster as she made her decision. She couldn’t let that happen. The kids needed their father. She would never let any kid be orphans in this cruel world, never. Beth and Carl whirled at her, shocked when she stopped as Amanda pulled her hand from Mika and pushed her toward Beth, too.
“Go!” she cried out again. “Run!”
“NO!” Beth screamed, reading her intentions as Carl looked at her. “We won’t leave you!”
But they still couldn’t stay. If they stayed, they could only die together, and she wasn’t going to let that happen!
“You have to go!” She pushed them away from the deck, fixating a look at Carl. “Carl, take them! Your father will find you! GO!” she cried as she stepped down from the deck. In a pause that felt like endless eons, Carl looked at her and then grabbed Beth’s arms and started to pull her away.
Rick cried for her in the distance when he saw her staying behind as they made a run toward the tree line, understanding what she was doing, as well.
“AMANDA! NO!” His booming voice stretched in the dark as he shouted at the top of his, his frantic urgency even clear over the distance between them. He started to clash the metal plates over his head insanely to draw more walkers as Amanda started to raise her hand in the air.
“NO! NO! AMANDA! NO!”
Amanda swallowed, tears falling over her eyes, looking at him in the dark night, but she couldn’t see him fully. He was only a vision ahead of her in the dark. She wished she could have, though, before the end, she wished she had seen him for the last time.
“I’m sorry,” she murmured, remembering her promise, but closed her eyes and fired the gun.
She didn’t stop until there was only one bullet left in the chamber. A last one.
For herself.
Author Note:
*“Hope is a fickle, dangerous thing. It steals your focus and aims it toward the possibilities instead of keeping it where it belongs—on the probabilities.”
This is a quote I saw online before and saw it belonged to Rebecca Yarros, Fourth Wing. Didn’t read the book, I had no idea where or when I saw this quote too, but it stuck in my mind, I guess. I remembered it while I was writing my other Turkish fanfic, and that line ended up here for Rick as well, because it’s just Rick, too!
I decided to revise the ending of this chapter wholly this time, because:
a- I thought Rick needed a little push to get himself out of his comfort zone with the revision more than Amanda to gather his courage to pursue a real relationship with her with the revision. Amanda isn’t still ready yet, either, but Rick had to make his mind for good. Hence like always, hehe, the fear of losing comes into play. It’s also very near to Rick’s fear of Amanda choosing to sacrifice herself when she has to make a decision, so there’s also that.
b- I’ve always felt like Rick sacrificing himself here is very close to Amanda thinking she lost him after Rick threw himself over the cliff to protect Beth and I never liked that. This way Amanda is also going to feel that fear for real for the first time when it happens. So I thought this way would work better. Hope you agree with me 😊
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Date: 2024-03-08 03:04 am (UTC)Gostei das mudanças que você fez, entendi o raciocínio da Amanda, em não querer que Carl e Judith perca o seu pai, mas estou curiosa como a Amanda vai sair dessa situação.
Estou ansiosa pelo próximo capítulo...
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Date: 2024-03-08 06:18 pm (UTC)Thank god, Rick wouldn't try to be hero without a plan :))
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Date: 2024-04-04 10:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 04:06 pm (UTC)Can't wait to hear more of your thoughts🌸🌸💞
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Date: 2024-04-28 07:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-28 01:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-29 09:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-06-03 08:59 am (UTC)